I Was a People Pleaser and Didn’t Even Know It
- Ignite and Flow
- 8 hours ago
- 9 min read
The People Pleaser’s Myth: Why Your "Kindness" Is Actually a Survival Response
If you had asked me a few years ago if I was a people pleaser, I would have looked at you with genuine confusion.
I didn’t see myself as someone who was "weak" or "fake."
I saw myself as the one who made sure everyone was okay. I was the first to apologize - even when I hadn't done anything wrong.
I was the one who went out of my way to accommodate everyone else's feelings, constantly asking myself, “How can I take their pain away?”
I thought I was just being a "good person." I thought I was being kind.
But here is the truth that I finally had to face: I was exhausting myself trying to carry responsibilities that were never mine to hold.
I was living in a constant state of "fawning" to keep the peace, and I didn’t even realize I was doing it until the weight of it started to weigh heavy on me. Truthfully, it started as feelings of discomfort when I embarked on my journey or love and healing.
So, What Will People Say?
We don’t realize how deeply ingrained this pattern is until we start to look at the roots.
Growing up, many of us were conditioned to believe that being "good" meant being quiet, compliant, and easy.
We learned early on that saying "no" or having a boundary often came with a consequence - maybe it was a cold shoulder, a look of disappointment, or the fear of being excluded, at its worst, and one of the most unhealthy ones - someone going off on you.
So, we learned to ignore our own needs to ensure the comfort of others. We became shape-shifters, molding ourselves into whatever version of "us" was most palatable to the people around us.
And then there is that phrase. The one that echoes through family dinners, friendship circles, and our own inner monologues: "What will they say?" Or, "What will people say?"
Let’s talk about these "people." These "they" that we are so afraid of disappointing.
Have you noticed that "they" are impossible to please?
If you are slim, they tell you to eat more.
If you have extra curves, they ask if you’ve tried a new diet.
If you’re single, they ask when you’re getting married.
If you’re married, they ask where the kids are.
If you have one child, they tell you the child "needs someone to play with."
If you have a job, they ask why you aren't climbing the corporate ladder.
If you have a decent home, they ask why you don't own it yet.
If you are starting a business or taking a risk, they discourage you with all sorts of words and even ask why you can’t have a decent job like everyone else.
When you now start healing, they ask what is wrong with you? Or who is telling you these lies.
The list is endless.
It’s a matrix of expectations that leaves so many of us feeling like we are perpetually "not enough."
We end up filling our lives with material things or "hustling" just to show them - trying to pull a rabbit out of a hat for an audience that will never be satisfied.
The Cost of the "Yes"
When you are a people pleaser, every "yes" you give to someone else is often a "no" to yourself.
I lived in this cycle for years. I stayed in situations out of misplaced loyalty. I stayed in conversations that drained me because I was too scared to be the one to end them.
I stayed in the "comfort zone" of being liked because the thought of someone having a negative opinion of me gave me a level of discomfort I could not process at that stage.
But the cost was high.
It cost me my peace and my ability to live in my own truth.
I was so busy managing everyone else's happiness that I had completely lost sight of my own.
The Courage to Be Disliked
I actually ordered a book this morning called The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi, which I’m considering for our book club.
When I first came across the title years ago, I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. I felt a surge of discomfort just reading those words. Did I have what it took to carry that level of unease? To know someone didn't like me and be okay with it?
It felt impossible. But with time, I’ve learnt that the discomfort of being disliked is much smaller than the pain of losing yourself.
I heard something the other day that made me laugh because of how true it is: "If you say no to someone and place a healthy boundary, and they lash out, they probably need something beyond what you are capable or qualified to provide." - yes, the speaker was referring to a therapist.
Put simply: We cannot be responsible for other people’s emotions when, in good conscience and good faith, we know we have done the right thing.
Yes, we need to abide by our own moral compass & deep down our gut, we probably know we are doing the right thing.
It is not your job to play magician and make sure everyone is perpetually happy. You were not meant to live your life as a projection of someone else's needs.
The People Pleaser's Myths
To break the cycle, we have to deconstruct the lies we tell ourselves. Here are the most common myths of the people pleaser:
Myth #1: "It’s just kindness." * The Truth: Real kindness requires a "self." If you are giving because you are scared of the consequence of saying no, that isn't kindness - it’s a survival response. Kindness is a choice; people-pleasing is a compulsion.
Myth #2: "I am responsible for how they feel." * The Truth: People will often project on you what they are struggling with themselves. If they are unhappy, it is often a reflection of their internal world, not your external actions. You are not their emotional manager.
Myth #3: "Being liked equals being safe." * The Truth: Seeking approval is an exhausting way to live. When you stop pleasing everyone, you might lose some people, but you will finally find the ones who love the real you, not the "accommodating" you.
Your Kindness Is A Survival Response
When we are young, we "fawn" to stay safe or stay connected. It’s a brilliant strategy for a child who has no power. But as adults, this strategy becomes a cage.
It takes immense courage to realize that you are allowed to draw a line. Choosing nervous system regulation over people-pleasing means learning to sit with the "icky" feeling that comes when you set a boundary.
It means knowing what is yours to hold and what you can put down.
This does not mean you become a cold or unkind person. In fact, it’s the opposite.
When you stop people-pleasing, your "yes" actually becomes meaningful.
You are no longer giving from an empty cup or out of fear; you are giving from a place of genuine alignment.
Trusting Yourself on the Healing Journey
The road away from pleasing people is not easy. People will not like it when you stop catering to their every whim. It will feel uncomfortable. It will feel uneasy. You will want to apologize and go back to the old, "easy" version of yourself.
In those moments, all you can do is trust yourself.
Trusting yourself starts with a full determination to love yourself no matter what.
It means loving yourself no matter what someone else has said about you.
It means honoring who you are at the core, even if that version of you doesn't fit into the corporate ladder, the family script, or the "matrix" of material success.
This self love journey is a daily practice of showing up for yourself.
Every day you choose your own peace over someone else’s convenience is a day you are not only healing your nervous system but you are truly loving yourself
Can we change this pattern?
If you have spent your life "shrinking" to fit into the spaces others have carved out for you, I want you to know that you don't have to live that way anymore.
You can't "think" your way out of people-pleasing because it is deeply wired into your body’s sense of safety.
You have to experience the safety of being yourself. This is exactly why I created The Self-Love Blueprint.
In this program, we don’t just talk about boundaries; we do the deep work of nervous system healing to teach your body that it is safe to have a voice, safe to say no, and safe to be "too much" for people who only liked you when you were "small."
We move from the illusion of seeking approval to the richness of seeking alignment.
If you are ready to stop being the "magician" and start being the masterpiece you were created to be, I invite you to apply. Let’s look at your blueprint and start building a life where your "yes" belongs to you again.
It’s Time to Return to Your Center
The journey of love and healing is not easy, but each day you show up for yourself is a day you are taking your power back.
Small shifts create real change.
Your body already knows how to settle; it’s just waiting for you to give it permission to stop performing.
Trust the process.
Trust the discomfort.
And most importantly, trust yourself. 💛
Not sure where to start?
Experience the Language of Calm
If you are ready for a deeper dive into regulating your nervous system, I invite you to embark on The Beginner’s Journey, a curated 5-day experience found inside the Wellness Hub within The Calm Collective.
Experience The Beginner's Journey: A 5-Day Yoga Nidra & Guided Meditation Journey.
This experience focuses on giving your nervous system a consistent place to land. Over five days, you’ll explore the Foundations of Stillness through 15-20 minute sessions that alternate between:
Guided Meditations to ground your awareness.
Soothing Yoga Nidra to access that restorative Theta state and tone the vagus nerve.
Empowering Affirmations to reshape the narrative of your inner critic.
Whether you are completely new to these practices or looking to deepen your path to mindfulness, this transformative journey is designed to ease you into a sustainable practice of stillness.
Your body is a wise, constant companion that is always seeking its way back to balance.
Every sensation, every flutter of anxiety, and every moment of tension is simply a signal - a way of communicating its needs to you.
When you feel anxious, it’s often just your vagus nerve reaching out, sending a message that it needs a moment of grounded safety.
Next time you feel the spiral start, don't try to solve the problem with more thoughts. Instead, place a hand on your heart, take a long, slow exhale, and remember: you have the master key to quiet already inside you.
Until next time—honor your need for stillness, trust your body’s wisdom, and know that you are enough, just as you are. 💛
MORE RESOURCES TO GUIDE YOUR JOURNEY:
If you’re craving a slower, more intentional way to grow, you might love the Blooming Lotus Book Club. It’s a quiet little corner of the internet where we read one nourishing book every season
Each quarter, we journey through a book that feels meaningful and supportive for where many of us are in our inner work.
If you’re wanting a space that feels genuinely supportive, this is a beautiful place to land.
A place to read, reflect, and grow together.
About Ignite and Flow
Ignite and Flow is an online wellness sanctuary dedicated to helping you rest, heal, and reconnect with your inner self.
Through guided practices rooted in self-love, deep rest, and emotional healing, Ignite and Flow offers supportive, soul-nourishing tools to help you let go of overwhelm, release old stories, and create space for calm, clarity, and renewal.
✨ How Ignite and Flow can support your journey:
🪷 The Blooming Lotus Book Club
A mindful community for those who want to finish the books they start without the rush. Each season, we dive into one impactful book with a clear reading guide, a live group discussion, and a guided meditation to anchor the core themes into your daily life.
🧘♀️ The Calm Collective
A sanctuary of deep rest and healing for your nervous system, and community for your everyday life offering Yoga Nidra and guided meditations for emotional well-being, nervous system regulation, and better sleep.
💖 The Self-Love Blueprint
A guided path to healing your relationship with yourself, offering the tools to rewrite your story with radical self-acceptance.
In addition to weekly blog posts, free resources, and a supportive podcast, Ignite and Flow is here to guide you — one restful breath, one healing moment at a time.
👉 Learn more at www.igniteandflow.com
Comments